A Ruby Necklace and Chocolate Cake

Dear Emma Reese,

You will soon learn that specific dates keep the world organized with historical events that changed lives forever.  We have dates in our calendars that keep daily routines structured with conferences, meetings, and the long awaited vacations.  Then there are dates that keep us “human” with the joyful celebrations of birthdays, weddings, and anniversaries.  And unfortunately, there are also dates when our loved ones become angels and leave only their memories.   Those important dates are printed in official documentation ink or etched as an epitaph at a gravesite.  And there are dates that only stay quietly in a person’s memory. Never to be shared with anyone.

December 18^th.  This is an important date already in your young life because this is your little friend’s birthday.  This date also remains in your mommy’s mind because December 18, 2004, is the day I got married.  The first time.  Ten years ago.  I have often debated about letting you know about this detail because this was before you.  I know so many mothers who have neglected to tell their children about a first marriage because it was too painful, shameful, or embarrassing.  I understand their hesitancy because divorce is hard.  It is even difficult to say it and at times it feels like I should wear a "d" on my forehead similar to Hester Prynn in the Scarlet Letter.  This outwardly representation would make it easier for people to recognize this former chapter without more explanation.  Who is to blame?  What happened? When did you leave?  Where did you go?  Why did it happen?  The “d” word often makes you feel misjudged because it emphasizes that a committed relationship has failed.  But I have quickly learned it isn’t failure.  It is overcoming challenges and struggles to discover who you are again.  I am forever grateful for that first marriage. That first marriage brought me where I am today.

I don’t think you will ask many questions about the man I married the first time because the clues are obvious.  Of course, those details won’t be described in writing (he will be kept anonymous), but you will know him very well by just knowing me.  Every person who comes into our lives, even ex-spouses, leave an imprint on us that we sometimes do not even recognize.  Even some of the items that you discover with your curiosity will lead you to those answers.  This includes the well-hidden ruby necklace you pulled out of my jewelry box yesterday and you exclaimed, "Mommy, beautiful.  I wear necklace."  This was the necklace he gave me for our Christmas wedding.    

One day I will tell you about the wedding and might even show you my wedding portrait.  That day could not have been more perfect.  The weather was perfect, even at the end of December.  The church I grew up in was decorated perfectly for the holidays.  I wore the perfect dress with the perfect shoes (everyone knew that I had to wear my clogging shoes).  I was such a young bride anxiously waiting to walk down the aisle to the man who made me happy.  I thought our love would last forever when rings were exchanged that winter afternoon, but mistakes were made. 

When that first marriage ended, I felt like I had lost everything.  Instead, I have finally realized that it gave me everything.  Yes, I can say the dreadful divorce gave me everything.

Divorce gave me independence to survive on my own.  It didn’t matter that my new small house that became my refuge smelled like old mothballs.  Or that I learned that television and Internet were not my necessities; instead the church bells across the street playing hymnals every hour.  My Faith was restored with those tunes. 

Divorce forced me to set priorities to focus on the important aspects in life.  I tended to always get overwhelmed with the small stuff instead of the essential stuff.  I am glad this reminder still affects me today because I understand my first priorities along with what should come near the bottom of that list.

Divorce gave me friends (and enemies) who have defined my life.  Those people continue to show support and the other “friends” have walked their separate ways.  True friendship was magnified during those lonely times.

Divorce gave me acceptance.  I needed to learn perfectionism isn’t obtainable and it is exhausting trying to please everyone.  Instead of trying to hide my former married name, I have learned that it will always be somewhere.  I no longer get frustrated when it randomly pops up on Internet searches or teacher evaluations.  Or when my students ask who is Trisha ------ because I haven’t had the time to create new book labels.

Divorce gave me several homes that still impact me in several ways.  Whether if is on an isolated island or mountain hillside, I am meant to be there.

Divorce gave me another reason to love.  My first husband and I were both fortunate to fall in love again with different people.  And now we have both experienced the most amazing love as parents. 

Divorce gave me a story.  One that I now share with my beautiful daughter when reminding her it is okay to fall in love with the wrong person the first time for all the right reasons.  And that we all have different family arrangements.

Divorce gave me change.  And change must happen.

Dates allow new memories to be made.  Like today when we sing happy birthday to your sweet friend, help blow out her candles, and enjoy the chocolate cake.  And mommy might even wear the ruby necklace.  All the good things to celebrate such special times.

Always a new date to remember,

Mommy

"Life Doesn't Always Turn Out the Way You Planned"

As an educator, the most important quality one most possess is flexibility.  Each day in the classroom is unpredictable and no matter what lesson plans are finalized, teachers usually have to go with Plan B, C, or D.  This characteristic is also essential to everyday life and I have quickly learned this as a new mother during the first year of my sweet little girl's life.  All of my original plans changed, even before she entered the world.

One of my favorite movies is While You Were Sleeping starring Bill Pullman and Sandra Bullock.  The quote that starts and ends the movie is "Life doesn't always turn out the way you planned."  These words continue to resonate with me through all life's transitions and changes, both planned and unplanned.

I am writing this blog exactly one year ago to the hour when I first experienced my first contractions. So to make this a more reader friendly blog post, I decided to start each thought with what I had planned, but then how life decided differently.

Happy 1st Birthday Emma Reese!

Newborn

Laura Ingram

Laura Ingram Photography, Southern Pines, NC

3 Months Old

Deanne Kryzalka

eyeCapture Moments Photography, Charlotte, NC

6 Months Old

Farah Hausser

Fields of Grace Photography, Pinehurst, NC

9 Months Old

Brian Carter

Carter Photography, Ocracoke, NC

12 Months Old

Portrait Innovations, Cary, NC

What an exciting journey this year has been and the days have flown by way too quickly!

I planned on never being a mother and had even spoken to my doctor about a procedure to ensure this would never happen.  However, God knew the unconditional love I needed to feel as a mommy and He knew you belonged to me.  I will never forget how my heart raced when I saw the first ultrasound of the little "froggy" on the screen.

I planned the nursery in trains, boats, and planes with a "traveling across NC theme" (such a teacher nerd) because I knew you were going to be a boy.  Grammy was still convinced the heart rate indicated the gender of the baby (even though her doctors were both wrong when they said your Aunt Beth and I were boys), so she predicted a girl because of your fast heart beat.  My strong intuitions are usually right so I wore light blue the day of our gender reveal ultrasound.  Your daddy wore pink because he wanted another princess.  Yeah, he was right---again.

I planned to attend classes at the hospital to learn about everything to prepare for child birth, but did not even schedule an appointment. So I depended on books, other friends' advice, and Aunt Bethy's experience with Lelia Kate.  I was completely fine throughout the entire pregnancy and the child birth process.  I might need some extra advice on the child rearing now though.

I planned to not gain more than 25 pounds when I was pregnant, but I gained 40.  Thank goodness for my long torso because it wasn't as obvious.  Those pounds were lost within 2-3 months and I was back in my regular clothes by the spring (nursing is awesome for burning calories)!

I planned to have a C-section because I knew delivery would be way too difficult for my pain tolerance and my body.  However, I made it through 12 hours of labor and only needed an epidural the last three hours.  The delivery was quick and I felt wonderful that same day.

I planned to try nursing because I wasn't sure breastfeeding was for me, but that instant bond between us made the first year even more wonderful.  I set my goal for every 3 months, and feel proud to have been a nursing mom for a year.

I planned to keep everything sanitized and not allow too many people in the house for visits that first month.  As always, the flu and cold season had been rough.  But, I think you remained healthier because of all the friends and family who embraced you those first few weeks with their loving arms.  We have the pictures to prove how much you are loved by everyone!

I planned to always have errands and outings always organized, but that quickly changed after our first doctor appointment (you were 2 days old), when I barely remembered your diaper bag.  I feel accomplished if I can take a grocery store trip in less than 2 hours with you.

I planned to write down every little thing you did, and you will notice in your first year calendar that each day is filled with an event from January 31st-April 21st.  But, Mommy went back to work on April 22nd and realized even more that teacher and mom responsibilities required a major balancing act.  I am still trying to catch up on the last three months on your calendar.

I planned to record you almost everyday through pictures and videos.  Your daddy even bought a new video recorder.  But I have found the best movies of you remain in my fondest, vivid memories.  I cannot wait to tell you those stories.  I learned that the actual moment is more special that trying to catch the moment.  This was proven true when we missed you taking the first three steps on video.  Your daddy and I still talk about that surprising moment when we were both watching your little feet.

I planned to have you on a strict schedule for feeding, playing, and sleeping.  You were going to eat every 3 hours, play when you woke up, and then sleep after playing.  I also planned that you were going to be sleeping in your own room in your own crib.  That idea was instantly out the window when you would reverse the order of play, sleep, eat and you never slept in your crib (ironically you loved your car seat).  You now stay safe in our big family bed on my side.  Trust me, I read every article about co-sleeping and SIDS, but you have belonged beside your mommy and daddy the last few months.  We will get creative this year with our next sleeping arrangements.

I planned to have the most memorable first Christmas celebration, but instead all of us were struggling with a virus that did not leave until days later.  Luckily, you and daddy felt great, and I think you still had fun over the holidays.

I plan to be the most understanding and patient mother in the world, but I know there will be days I am none of these things, so I am apologizing now.

You probably already understand that your mother is definitely a Type A personality, working diligently to try and keep the world around her organized.  However, motherhood has reminded me that life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.  So, this next year, we will continue to have plans, but the most exciting parts will be the "however's" when the plans seem to change.