A Ruby Necklace and Chocolate Cake

Dear Emma Reese,

You will soon learn that specific dates keep the world organized with historical events that changed lives forever.  We have dates in our calendars that keep daily routines structured with conferences, meetings, and the long awaited vacations.  Then there are dates that keep us “human” with the joyful celebrations of birthdays, weddings, and anniversaries.  And unfortunately, there are also dates when our loved ones become angels and leave only their memories.   Those important dates are printed in official documentation ink or etched as an epitaph at a gravesite.  And there are dates that only stay quietly in a person’s memory. Never to be shared with anyone.

December 18^th.  This is an important date already in your young life because this is your little friend’s birthday.  This date also remains in your mommy’s mind because December 18, 2004, is the day I got married.  The first time.  Ten years ago.  I have often debated about letting you know about this detail because this was before you.  I know so many mothers who have neglected to tell their children about a first marriage because it was too painful, shameful, or embarrassing.  I understand their hesitancy because divorce is hard.  It is even difficult to say it and at times it feels like I should wear a "d" on my forehead similar to Hester Prynn in the Scarlet Letter.  This outwardly representation would make it easier for people to recognize this former chapter without more explanation.  Who is to blame?  What happened? When did you leave?  Where did you go?  Why did it happen?  The “d” word often makes you feel misjudged because it emphasizes that a committed relationship has failed.  But I have quickly learned it isn’t failure.  It is overcoming challenges and struggles to discover who you are again.  I am forever grateful for that first marriage. That first marriage brought me where I am today.

I don’t think you will ask many questions about the man I married the first time because the clues are obvious.  Of course, those details won’t be described in writing (he will be kept anonymous), but you will know him very well by just knowing me.  Every person who comes into our lives, even ex-spouses, leave an imprint on us that we sometimes do not even recognize.  Even some of the items that you discover with your curiosity will lead you to those answers.  This includes the well-hidden ruby necklace you pulled out of my jewelry box yesterday and you exclaimed, "Mommy, beautiful.  I wear necklace."  This was the necklace he gave me for our Christmas wedding.    

One day I will tell you about the wedding and might even show you my wedding portrait.  That day could not have been more perfect.  The weather was perfect, even at the end of December.  The church I grew up in was decorated perfectly for the holidays.  I wore the perfect dress with the perfect shoes (everyone knew that I had to wear my clogging shoes).  I was such a young bride anxiously waiting to walk down the aisle to the man who made me happy.  I thought our love would last forever when rings were exchanged that winter afternoon, but mistakes were made. 

When that first marriage ended, I felt like I had lost everything.  Instead, I have finally realized that it gave me everything.  Yes, I can say the dreadful divorce gave me everything.

Divorce gave me independence to survive on my own.  It didn’t matter that my new small house that became my refuge smelled like old mothballs.  Or that I learned that television and Internet were not my necessities; instead the church bells across the street playing hymnals every hour.  My Faith was restored with those tunes. 

Divorce forced me to set priorities to focus on the important aspects in life.  I tended to always get overwhelmed with the small stuff instead of the essential stuff.  I am glad this reminder still affects me today because I understand my first priorities along with what should come near the bottom of that list.

Divorce gave me friends (and enemies) who have defined my life.  Those people continue to show support and the other “friends” have walked their separate ways.  True friendship was magnified during those lonely times.

Divorce gave me acceptance.  I needed to learn perfectionism isn’t obtainable and it is exhausting trying to please everyone.  Instead of trying to hide my former married name, I have learned that it will always be somewhere.  I no longer get frustrated when it randomly pops up on Internet searches or teacher evaluations.  Or when my students ask who is Trisha ------ because I haven’t had the time to create new book labels.

Divorce gave me several homes that still impact me in several ways.  Whether if is on an isolated island or mountain hillside, I am meant to be there.

Divorce gave me another reason to love.  My first husband and I were both fortunate to fall in love again with different people.  And now we have both experienced the most amazing love as parents. 

Divorce gave me a story.  One that I now share with my beautiful daughter when reminding her it is okay to fall in love with the wrong person the first time for all the right reasons.  And that we all have different family arrangements.

Divorce gave me change.  And change must happen.

Dates allow new memories to be made.  Like today when we sing happy birthday to your sweet friend, help blow out her candles, and enjoy the chocolate cake.  And mommy might even wear the ruby necklace.  All the good things to celebrate such special times.

Always a new date to remember,

Mommy